Continued

Ok...so yesterday the topic was loving vs. being in love and the simplicity/complexity of the subject.  So today's thought is can we control love?  Do we have a choice in who we fall in love with or does it just happened when you least expect it?  Let’s go back to him....I never thought I could love him and I truly never believed I could fall in love with him.  In fact every fiber of my being decided I would not even come close to loving him.  Such a difficult person to deal with....so opinionated....so annoying. So, more troubling then loving him is the question of how it even happened.  I know I have tried to shut it off.  I have spent countless days trying to convince myself that what I am feeling is something else...anything else...but not love.  I have argued with myself (out loud at times) and realized I was losing the argument.  I tried to make the feelings go away.  Now as many of you know, not acknowledging your feelings is a recipe for disaster.  Feelings have a way of surfacing no matter how far down you stuff them.  Mine surfaced in the form of anxiety, anger and even uncontrollable crying.  For those of you who know me crying is not an act that I do frequently and never in public.  So, what had he done to me to make me feel like I was on a wild emotional roller coaster ride?  It had to be something he did, because I could never admit that somewhere along the line I had lost control.  Lost control of my emotions, specifically my ability to choose who I love.  Loving him was and is a choice I would never consciously make.  So, I go back to how did it happen and how do I make it stop?  One thing I can say on a positive note, is that loving him makes me feel alive.  For such a long time I had locked that emotion away, not wanting to ever feel pain again.  Some how he stole the key and opened the vault.  Now, I am not even sure if he likes me, which makes loving him even more difficult and puzzling.  I have always made sure the men in my life loved me before I allowed myself to love them.  But what is absolutely amazing is that him loving me or not loving is not a factor in how I feel.  I like feeling alive...I like knowing that I am human.  I am not afraid to love and I am not afraid to be hurt.  If I stay in fear of being hurt I will never know the joy of being alive. He may never know how he has changed my life but I am grateful that he did.